Mamta Sharma, the head of the National Commission for Women, India, has gotten herself into trouble by saying (at a function) that girls shouldn’t be offended if guys call them sexy, as it’s a word with positive connotations of beauty and charm. Her exact quote (or at least what HT reported) was:
Boys pass comments on girls terming them sexy but sexy means beautiful and charming. We should not see it in negative sense.
Needless to say, half the country, from the BJP’s state vice-president to various women organizations, pounced on Ms Sharma and was quick to criticize her statement. People said that they were ‘outraged’ and ‘shocked’ that a person who’s the head of a national body whose mandate is “protecting and promoting the interests of women” (text from their website) could say something so ‘unfortunate’.
Now, those who know me know that I am very very liberal in my outlook and ideology. For instance, I find it 3 parts outrageous and 1 part hilarious that in the year 2012, we still have people giving arguments of _naturality_ to defend their bigotry in trying to criminalize sex among consenting adults, that too in the highest court of law in this country. And, I find it disappointing that most of the anger against the two ministers who were caught watching porn on their cellphones while the house was in session is for the porn part instead of the _watching during session_ part.
But the current issue is not about which bodily (or other) orifice you can insert your penis into legally or when you should look at videos of the same. It’s about the connotations of the word ‘sexy’. And as far as this issue goes, I don’t see myself siding with Ms Sharma. There are two relevant issues here—the meaning (and hence, connotations) of the word sexy, and the ramifications of its use. Let’s look at them one by one.
As far as the meaning goes, I think there’s really no case. Ms Sharma claims that the word is often used by youngsters to mean beautiful and charming. I think she also wished to imply that the word sexy has proliferated youth-speak sufficiently for it to be non-offensive. Well, no, yes, and no. First off, young people do use this word often as a synonym for _cool_ or good, but, so far as I can see, this is limited to non-living things. I may describe your car as sexy, and you will understand that I want to convey that I find it very cool or nice. But if I describe your sister as sexy, I am sure you won’t process it with the same degree of indifference. Also, just because something is used often doesn’t mean it becomes less offensive. As I discussed in a previous article, you have to look at the parties involved and the nature of the interaction before you declare something as (in)appropriate. Just because a guy can call his friend ‘behenchod’ without any offence given or taken doesn’t mean that this word becomes inoffensive for all scenarios and all people.
This brings us to the second issue—who’s using it for whom, and what happens when they do so. Which is where lies the crux of the whole issue, and which is were I feel Ms Sharma goes wrong. She has defended herself by saying that her comments were intended to be taken in a broad sense. How broad should our sense be? We are talking about issues relating to harassment of women in everyday life, whether it be at the workplace or in a public bus in Delhi. We are not talking about friendly conversation among, erm, friends. If a guy tells his girlfriend that she’s looking sexy, I am sure she will be flattered rather than insulted. If this adjective is used in a group of close friends, all of whom are comfortable in each other’s company, no one is likely to take offence. But such instances aren’t the ones NCW (or anyone) needs to worry about. What the NCW needs to worry about are cases of eve-teasing, cases of discrimination at the workplace, and cases where women are made to feel unnecessarily uncomfortable/insecure by the actions of men. And in all these cases, expecting a woman to not be uncomfortable with the word _sexy_ is not reasonable. In fact, the reality is far more problematic. Ms Sharma says that _sexy_ is the same as beautiful and charming, but the truth is that the first instinct of a woman on being called _beautiful_ when she is walking down a dark alleyway in Noida would not be to blush, but to run as fast as her legs can carry her. If she is called sexy instead, I would also expect her to scream while she sprints for her life.
Is this unfair to menfolk, many of whom are god-fearing, law-abiding citizens whose only desire is to sincerely compliment a lady? Probably yes. But this is a reputation that we have brought upon ourselves. As this post that got viral explains, women see unknown men as Schrödinger’s Rapists. Here’s the relevant part:
When you approach me in public, you are Schrödinger’s Rapist. You may or may not be a man who would commit rape. I won’t know for sure unless you start sexually assaulting me. I can’t see inside your head, and I don’t know your intentions. If you expect me to trust you—to accept you at face value as a nice sort of guy—you are not only failing to respect my reasonable caution, you are being cavalier about my personal safety.
It boils down to undue attention. Your boss is not supposed to be basing his decisions on your perceived attractiveness, so the use of an adjective that refers to it explicitly is likely to make you uncomfortable. When you are constantly on your guard as you travel in the Mumbai local train at 11 p.m., you do not want people to make references to your beauty, or worse, sexuality. I am not saying that women should be offended if someone calls them sexy. Saying that would be prescriptive and stupid. I am merely saying that it is not reasonable on Ms Sharma’s part to expect women in this country to take sexy (in places where it is irrelevant) as a harmless compliment.
The issue is being blown out of proportion, though. While I don’t agree with what Ms Sharma said, I can see what she meant to say, which is probably that one should not fly off the handle merely on being complimented for one’s looks. India is one of those countries where the average woman is usually as offended for being called sexy as she would be for being called ugly. Go figure!